"EduKare"- A new paradigm for struggling urban schools...

Education reform is a hot topic. The media is all over it. So many stories, editorials, features, columns and documentaries revolve around the "drop-out factories," as some urban schools are infamously referred to, and what kinds of educational leadership tactics can be put in place to reform these institutions and their practice. I've been wondering when all this talk is going to turn into something tangible that will actually reform the way we teach and learn.

Michael Josefowicz (@ToughLoveforX), one of the key idea-tappers at #ecosys (Twitter chat every Wednesday at 9:00 EST) and I have been discussing some radical improvement possibilities for the so-called drop out factories of large, urban centers in North America. Michael is from Brooklyn and knows a thing or two about urban issues, and I have a lot of respect for his point of view. We're using the term EduKare to describe a very new and different perspective toward teaching and learning in our most challenging urban environments.

The Bully-Victim Spectrum

flickr CC image via Eddie~S

We spend too much time dealing ineffectively with bullies and not enough working proactively with victims, understanding that all bullies were first victims.

Hurt people, hurt people. I've heard this quote attributed to many. It doesn't even matter to me who claims these words of wisdom because they are so painfully true. I have worked with countless kids who have been characterized as bullies. The first question I used to ask them after they had hurt someone is why they did it. Their answers were very predictable. Defensive and seasoned bullies would tell me it was the victim's fault, that the victim had it coming or simply deny doing anything wrong, but the other answer I heard allot was confusing to me. Sometimes kids would tell me they didn't know why they did it. I wasn't sure how to analyze this response. It bothered me a bit that perhaps they could be telling me the truth; they actually didn't know why they were committing acts of bullying.

The more I heard this response over time from kids who had treated others badly, the more I believed them. I began to understand that their behavior was wrong and damaging to others to be sure, but that there were variables contributing to it that I did not understand. I wondered about whether trying to find out what variables were affecting the way these bullies behaved might help them understand their own behavior. I started to develop a perception that the first victim impact statement should be given to the bully, because there is a victim behind every single one of them.

I'm not trying to excuse bullies from their hurtful behavior, but it strikes me that they have always been a part of society, and I don't think they're going away any time soon. All of our attempts to stop bullying in its tracks have been unsuccessful. Every day we hear horrible stories about how bullies have inflicted physical and emotional pain on their victims. We are not winning the battle against bullying. Perhaps this is true because we aren't looking at the problem the right way.

I suggest that instead of asking bullies why they did what they did, we ask them a slightly different question. After hearing hundreds of bullies tell me they didn't know why they did what they did, I decided to re-frame my question to reflect the theory that hurt people hurt people. I started asking them this question... "what has made you feel so bad in your life that you feel someone else needs to share your pain?" The result was amazing and heart-wrenching. When I asked bullies this question, the vast majority didn't respond verbally at all; they just started crying.

Behind every bully is first a victim, and we need to learn victim's stories if we are to understand their victim - turned - bully behavior. Once we have this insight we can begin to help victims heal; to deal with their pain so they aren't inclined to inflict pain on others.

We spend too much time dealing with bullies, and not enough time supporting victims. I have yet to meet even one child who entered the world wanting to hurt people.

Behind every bully is a victim with a story. If you want to break the bullying cycle, learn this story.

Perspective...

flickr CC image via LaPrimaDonna

No matter what I do or what situations I find myself in, I am realizing more and more over time that it's all about perspective.

I am many things: a teacher; father; husband; son; employee; leader, and no matter what role I'm playing, I have found it increasingly valuable and enlightening to seek perspective. I have mine, but it changes with the moods and experiences I have. Taking the deliberate time to reflect on my perspective, my 'meta-perspective' allows me to adjust as I gain clarity, objectivity and distance from the emotional side of my point of view, (the part that is seldom, if ever, non-biased.)

Reciprocally, taking the time to consider the perspectives of those around me, particularly those who are struggling emotionally with an issue, has allowed me to also gain clarity, objectivity and distance from the emotionality of their point of view; to take a rather clinical approach, if you will, toward understanding what they are thinking, feeling and experiencing, and how or why their actions may be correlated. My growing skill has proven to be invaluable.

Behind every confrontation, every misunderstanding and every flawed communication is a set of variables that set the stage... a story that leads in a quantum manner toward the trouble. Getting to that story and understanding those variables is the key to avoiding, or at least reducing the negative effect of the trouble. If we can make a sincere effort to understand where others are coming from, (even if we can't ever truly know how they feel, we can at least attempt to see what they see,) we can then retell their story in personal terms that allow us to adjust our reaction appropriately. Interpersonally speaking, to deal with the trouble at face value without knowing the story behind it is unproductive and usually leads to further symptomatic escalation... more confrontation, misunderstanding and miscommunication.

Do something smart... don't just put yourself in the shoes of those that challenge your patience, put yourself in their heads. Your response will be calm, objective, intelligent and appropriate... elements that, generally speaking, lead to improved relations.